Use the Ears, Luke


Fiction

Audio Federation Dealership Magazine Music Guide Blog

 

     
 

Spearker, LLC.

 

 

Presents

 

 
         
     

 

 
     

The CYBEaR ®₪©™

 
     

 

 
         
             
           
             
             
       

Spearker LLC
The CYBEaR
Infinite Accuracy, Infinite Dynamics, 100% Infinite Everything

 

   
     

An amazing new technological breakthrough allows you to hook up your stereo or surround sound system directly up to your auditory nerve center in your brain in order to offer unheard of dynamics (over 1000dB has been measured), frequency range (1 to 1 million Hz +/- 0 dB, any higher and you'll microwave your brain!), 0% distortion

By bypassing the electrical to sound waves to ear drum to neuro-electrical impulses transitions all those pesky distortions are completely eliminated. Benefits are too numerous to mention, but, for example, they include full support for truly unearthly loudness levels, as there are no ear drums in the way to get damaged anymore.

Not to mention no more complaints from the family and neighbors every single darn time you play 'Rockin' in the Free World'.

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A page from the business plan

The History of this

Extraordinary

Technological

Achievement!

 

   
           
     

Through much trial and error... many, many errors... we were able to ascertain the auditory terminals to the brain.
 

 

Moving to human beings, we first tried just hooking up a pair single-ended Cardas connectors to the auditory nerves, but with little success.

   
     
   

 

 

 


Poking and prodding, cutting and splicing

 


At this time we moved our designs from pen and ink...

 

 








 

 

 

 

...to colored markers. Made lots of cool colored pictures between experiments...

   


How this Works

 
   
   
     

Finally, we were ready for our first installation. Figuring the first attempt wasn't likely to be all that high fidelity, we went with brown lamp cord and inserted it deep into the auditory nerve center of the brain of our first live test subject, Cindy Brady (no relation).

   
     
 

Inserting the wire
 
   
 


Cindy's head in a dark room

   

We did a number of follow-up readings while we could to determine just how close we were to realizing our goals. Below we see how the separation between instruments was already past the phenomenal category into the Infinite.
 

   
     
 
   
       

But there were still some anomalies....

   
         
       

 

... and the equipment was still a little ungainly

   
         
     

Actually, this is the Farnsworth Fusor Fusion Reactor...
but our equipment, strangely enough, looked EXACTLY like this.

   
       

At this stage, all of our electronics was hand-built...

   
         
           
       

At first we did not have access to the latest components, so we had to make do. We were able to keep this from most of our early test subjects...and the others, well, we needed to rebuild the lab anyway...

   
     


Actually a board from one of the space shuttles

   
           
     
Currently we are using fully automated surgery using...  

Lasers! Cool huh?
 
   
 


Here is Carl, bless his soul...

   
   
   
           
     

Over time we were also able to reduce the size of the associated equipment

   
     

We used the steering wheel for the balance controls...and we covered their eyes so the didn't see us laughing at how silly they looked...
 
   
   
   
   
Reduced the size even more...
still have that cursed dangling
cable problem though...
but hey, don't we all?
 

Downloading some MP3s off the net
 
   
   
   
     

 

   
           
     

OK, by now you are surely convinced.

So of course you are wondering, what are the costs, warrantee and maintenance support for this badboy?

   
           
      Costs

Surgery - $250K (various off-shore facilities offer pries as low as $500.00)
Hardware required - Bluetooth wireless implants $1.5M and modified transmission unit $750K
Fully time nursing staff - $120K/year.

Warrantee

At this time we are only able to offer a 24 hour warrantee

Maintenance

We suggest moving close to a good hospital and keeping on good terms with the surgical staff there.

 

Not all unreasonable given today's prices for high-end equipment and the extreme efforts being made by the average audiophile to squeeze that next little bit of performance out of what is often 50 to 100 year old technology.

 

Disclaimer:

Questions you should always ask your neurosurgeon
  • Number of arteriovenous malformation and brain aneurysm surgeries they have performed?
  • Success rate?
  • Predicted length of actual surgery?
  • Details of surgical procedure (ie., embolization, craniotomy, metal clips)?
  • Recovery time expectations?
  • Anticipated length of hospital stay?
  • If craniotomy; staples or absorbable stitches?
  • Type of incision ( straight, zig-zag)?
  • Location of incision?
  • Recommended units of blood for transfusion?
  • Will they shave the head?
  • Recommendations for screening of family members for AVM or brain aneurysm?
  • Date of surgical procedure?
  • Potential complications?



Happy April Fools 2005 Everybody!

 

   
             
 

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