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Spearker LLC
The CYBEaR
Infinite Accuracy, Infinite Dynamics, 100% Infinite Everything
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An amazing new technological breakthrough
allows you to hook up your stereo or surround sound system
directly up to your auditory nerve center in your brain in order
to offer unheard of dynamics (over 1000dB has been measured),
frequency range (1 to 1 million Hz +/- 0 dB, any higher and you'll
microwave your brain!), 0% distortion By
bypassing the electrical to sound waves to ear drum to neuro-electrical
impulses transitions all those pesky distortions are completely
eliminated. Benefits are too numerous to mention, but, for
example, they include full support for truly
unearthly loudness levels,
as there are no ear drums in the way to get
damaged anymore. Not to mention no more
complaints from the family and neighbors every single darn time
you play 'Rockin' in the Free World'.
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A page from the business plan |
The History of this
Extraordinary
Technological
Achievement! |
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Through much trial and error... many, many
errors... we were able to ascertain the auditory terminals to the
brain.
Moving to human beings, we
first tried just hooking up a pair single-ended Cardas
connectors to the auditory nerves, but with little success. |
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Poking and prodding, cutting and splicing
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At this time we moved our designs from pen and ink...
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...to colored markers. Made lots of cool colored pictures
between experiments... |
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How this Works
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Finally, we were ready for our first installation. Figuring the first attempt
wasn't likely to be all that high fidelity, we went with brown
lamp cord and inserted it deep into the auditory nerve center of
the brain of our first live test
subject, Cindy Brady (no relation). |
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Inserting the wire |
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Cindy's head in a dark room
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We did a number of follow-up readings while we
could to determine just how close we were to realizing our goals.
Below we see how the separation between instruments was already
past the phenomenal category into the Infinite.
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But there were still some anomalies.... |
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... and the equipment was still a little ungainly |
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Actually, this is the Farnsworth
Fusor Fusion Reactor...
but our equipment, strangely enough, looked EXACTLY like this. |
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At this stage, all of our electronics was
hand-built... |
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At first we did not have access to the
latest components, so we had to make do. We were able to keep
this from most of our early test subjects...and the others, well,
we needed to rebuild the lab anyway... |
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Actually a board from one of the space shuttles |
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| Currently we are using fully automated surgery using... |
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Lasers! Cool huh? |
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Here is Carl, bless his soul...
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Over time we were also able to reduce the size of the
associated equipment |
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We used the steering wheel for the balance controls...and we
covered their eyes so the didn't see us laughing at how silly
they looked... |
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Reduced the size even more...
still have that cursed dangling
cable problem though...
but hey, don't we all? |
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Downloading some MP3s off the net |
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OK, by now you are surely convinced. So of course you are
wondering, what are the costs, warrantee and maintenance
support for this badboy? |
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Costs
Surgery
- $250K (various off-shore facilities offer
pries as low as $500.00)
Hardware required - Bluetooth wireless
implants $1.5M and modified transmission unit $750K
Fully time nursing staff - $120K/year.
Warrantee
At this time we are only able
to offer a 24 hour warrantee
Maintenance
We suggest moving close to a
good hospital and keeping on good terms with the surgical staff
there.
Not all unreasonable given
today's prices for high-end equipment and the extreme efforts
being made by the average audiophile to squeeze that next little
bit of performance out of what is often 50 to 100 year old
technology.
Disclaimer:
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Questions you should
always ask your neurosurgeon
- Number of arteriovenous malformation and brain
aneurysm surgeries they have performed?
- Success rate?
- Predicted length of actual surgery?
- Details of surgical procedure (ie., embolization,
craniotomy, metal clips)?
- Recovery time expectations?
- Anticipated length of hospital stay?
- If craniotomy; staples or absorbable stitches?
- Type of incision ( straight, zig-zag)?
- Location of incision?
- Recommended units of blood for transfusion?
- Will they shave the head?
- Recommendations for screening of family members
for AVM or brain aneurysm?
- Date of surgical procedure?
- Potential complications?
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Happy April Fools 2005 Everybody!
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